I see three large pins leaning against the wall opposite me, the sharp ends pointing up, the white ball handles resting on the ground. They’re all the size and length of spears.
They look just like the pins I used on the voodoo doll for Mama, except of course for their huge size. Since that’s what they look like, and there’s a window on that wall they’re resting against, I probably ought to stand up and take a look at my reflection in it.
Yep, just as I thought: instead of seeing myself as I actually look, I see a giant voodoo doll version of myself. Another of my vivid hallucinations, for sure.
…and check this out. Those pins are now rising up from the ground, floating horizontally, with their sharp ends pointed directly at me. I suppose they’re going to fly right at me, like thrown spears, and stab into my chest and guts. If only this wasn’t a hallucination–I’d love to die.
In the window reflection, I still look like a giant voodoo doll. I’m surely fantasizing that Mama’s ghost is taking her revenge on me for sticking pins into that voodoo doll of mine that I’d made of her. That’s the logical explanation for this hallucination I’m seeing here.
It’s funny how, even though I finally realize what my mind is doing, I’m still hallucinating. Though I’ve brought my unconscious fears and desires up into my consciousness, I am by no means cured of my propensity to see and hear things. My eyes and ears continue to deceive me because I want to continue deceiving myself.
Oh, here they come. Those pins are flying right at me.
I’ll stick my chest and guts out to receive them better, even though I know I won’t be…
“Unghhhh!!!”
This is…the most intense,…the most vivid…hallucination…I’ve ever had.
I really feel…three stab wounds…one just above…my heart…towards my shoulder…one towards…my left side…under my nipple…and one in…my gut…just over…and to the…right of my…belly button.
I’m coughing blood…It really feels…like I am…The pain is sharp…and intense…My whole torso…is drowning…in blood…I’m lying…flat on my back…on the ground.
The pain…is still here…I’ve never hallucinated…this intensely…before…I’ve seen things…I’ve heard things…but I’ve never felt things…not this badly, anyway.
This is no hallucination…this is really happening!
I saw no attacker, though…I saw no one…running into…this alley,…sticking a knife…into me…three times…then running off…If I hallucinate…I’ll at least…see a distortion…of what…really happened…there will be…a hallucinatory substitution…of the actual event.
The three pins…could have represented…three stab wounds..but I should have…seen someone…or something…to represent my killer…Besides, who would have…come in here…randomly wanting…to kill me?
Who’s this…coming up to me now?
“Here he is,” a man among them says. “Ooh! He’s been stabbed! Who did this? I saw nobody else come in this alley.”
“Neither did I,” a woman beside him says. “There’s no murder weapon lying around anywhere, either. No knife, no…He’s already lost a lot of blood. I’m amazed he’s still conscious. It’s a good thing another ambulance got here. We’ve gotta rush him to the hospital!”
As they’re…putting me…on a stretcher, I’m thinking…Don’t bother…I’m gonna die…I want to die…I hate my life…My life is…Hell…
Wait a minute…I can’t explain…what reality…this hallucination…corresponds to…These people…are putting me…into an ambulance…All of this…looks normal…They’ve put…an oxygen mask…on my face.
Could it be…that I didn’t hallucinate…that last time?
Did Mama’s ghost…really do that…to me?
None of those people…saw a killer…run in and…stab me…then run out…They do see my stab wounds, though….They’ve bandaged them.
Very clever, Mama.
You wiped out…Aunt Jane…and that man…because you didn’t…need them anymore…They served their purpose…and you removed them…In making me…doubt myself,…you reinforced…my feelings of worthlessness…so I’d stop trying…to resist you…Now that you…have killed me,…you can torture me…in the deeper, darker regions…of Hell,…while you…destroy the world…without my ability…to stop you.
There is no escape for me.
My no longer believing…in the supernatural…was a wish fulfillment…I could hope…for a quick death…and nothingness afterwards…a nothingness…of peace…no Hell.
Now,…with her spirit…on the loose…since she no longer…has a body…to limit her magical powers…she can do anything…and with me dead,…I can’t use…what magic I know…to stop her.
Wait a minute…
With my death…I’ll be free…from the limitations…of my body, too…As pure spirit,…I’ll be able…to gain access…to all kinds…of magical formulas…just like her…I can still stop her!
The hospital staff…are taking me…out of the ambulance.
A mushroom cloud…just blew up…in the distant sky…The ground is shaking.
The staff…were startled by it…They reacted to it.
I didn’t just…imagine it…The explosion…was real.
Mama’s ghost…is destroying the world…I must die quickly,…free my soul…from my body…and fight her…with my own magic.
But her power…is so much…greater than mine…I’ll have to learn…a lot of magic,…and quickly…to stop her.
How can I…grow in power…quickly enough…to stop her?
Transcending my ego,…uniting my spirit…with that of…the world spirit…should give me…the power I need.
In my dying moments,…I must meditate…my fading…consciousness…should make it…easier for me…
And with no me…no Roger…separate from the world…no ego…for Mama…to target,…she won’t…be able…to stop me.
I…must…concentrate…
There is…no Roger…I’m merging…with Brahman…
My blood…is spreading…out everywhere…as is…my soul…It’s uniting…with the world…
My union…with the world spirit…will defeat…her ghost…
My…inner peace…will destroy…her hate…and wickedness…
Mama,…I’m gonna…kill…you…again…
THE END
Infinite Ocean 